Matters of a Soul
by crazytook
Summary: What if Xander had told Buffy about Willow trying to return Angel's soul? Would it really have been the right thing to do? k for one tiny tiny swear word that is technically a proper noun.


1Disclaimer: Yeah yeah yeah, i don't own it, nor do i own any money, so suing would be pointless.

Spoilers: 2nd season finale

Summary: Ok, so this has probably been done before, but what if xander had told buffy the truth about willow's spell to get angel's soul back? my response to how I feel about Xander's lie. I mean, anyone else think that he gets a horrible rep for that? I totally think he did the right thing. Ok,and on with the story!

_Willow wanted me to tell you..._

_Tell me what?_

_...She's trying the spell again._

_What?_

_The spell, to get angel's soul, she's trying it again._

_Buffy?_

_Get Giles out of there, and as soon as you do, run like hell._

_Buffy-_

_Either do it, or leave._

How could I argue with that? The truth is, I couldn't. There was no time. There was no point. It wouldn't have solved anything. But that isn't the part I regret. I regret the part where I told her the truth to began with. Where I didn't argue with Willow. Resolve face or no, Willow can't kick my ass, especially hospitalized Willow. But that was why I listened to her. She was hospitalized. Her being so hurt forced me to reevaluate her worth, not that I wasn't aware of it before, but it really made me acutely aware of it. I always trusted her. Especially when she held extreme resolves to do something. I always trusted her judgement, why? because she was smarter than me. Willow always knew what to do. Hell, she's been getting me out of trouble since I was five. She could make this right, too. So, I told Buffy what Willow wanted me to, despite everything in me screaming against it. I snuck in with her. I watched her fight Angel. I kept one eye out for her as I tried to convince Giles I was not some illusion of his. And I watched her as I got Giles untied, and helped him get out of the building. And I watched her hold back, and the conflict flicker across her eyes. I watched as I saw her eyes speak volumes in that fight. Volumes that she did not want to be there. That she'd rather be anywhere else than fighting the man she loved, the man she'd given so much to, well at least the monster that looked like the man. I watched her eyes tell me that she'd rather die than kill someone she knew she could get back, if Willow could just get that spell done. I watched all this as I helped Giles escape. I watched all of this as I did what she said, as I did what I couldn't argue with, as I ran like hell. I helped Giles across maybe about ten feet before reason finally kicked in. I stopped dead, and I turned to Giles about to tell him that I had to make sure Buffy was OK, that she was able to fight Angel even knowing the possiblity she could get him back, that she WOULD fight Angel despite the knowledge I'd given her, to know that she wasn't lying down at his mercy. Mercy that he may or may not be capable of giving at this moment. But I didn't need to tell him. As delirous and pain-stricken as Giles was, he clearly understood the situation better than me, because he said, "Go Xander...I saw...her eyes...she won't." That was all I needed. I gently and quickly let go of Giles and once again, did as Buffy instructed, I ran like hell, but not in the direction she wanted me to. It didn't take me long to reach the place where Buffy and Angel were fighting, but it took long enough. I got there just in time to see Buffy take a hit and fall to the ground. It was a hit she could have recovered from, but she didn't. She just sat there as she watched Angel walk towards her, sword in hand, evil gleaming in his eyes. And that's when I realized that he had the sword in his hand. He'd gotten the sword. The sword that if pulled from the stone would not lead to a great king and a happy kingdom, but an apocolpyse, a hell dimension. She wasn't able to stop him. The curse, it didn't matter now. Soul or no, someone had to kill Angel. I watched her tears as she called out to Angel.

"Angel? Angel please. I know you're in there somewhere. You won't. You can't. You haven't been able to kill me yet. You had so many chances. Watching me sleep, sneaking up on me all the time, why haven't you killed me yet Angel? It's because you can't. You still love me, and you can't kill me, and you know it." Angel paused. Angel actually paused. And for a moment, I thought that I could now walk away, leave. That the spell had worked, Angel had his soul back, and the scene that I would witness would be Angel begging Buffy to kill him because he wasn't worth the world and she would reluctantly and tearfully oblige. For a moment. That's when it happened. The worst moment of my life. Ever. Angel raised the sword, and before I could even cry out a protest, he, right in front of the statue, plunged the sword into Buffy's midsection. Buffy just stared in misbelief and betrayal. I swear I could feel her heart break. And then that's when the most ironic thing of all happened, before I had time to process the moment before. Angel's head jerked back, and he screamed. The sword dropped, and he fell to his knees. And that's when I saw the recognition in Buffy's eyes. Willow's spell had worked. Angel stared at her.

"Buffy?" he managed to stammer out. "B-"

I didn't bother to listen to the rest. To hear his empty broken declarations of guilt and self-loathing, and how he'd never do it again. I heard enough of those from my father. I know what they lead to, heartbreak and someone you love getting hurt. Like Buffy. But no one did that to my Buffy. So, I did what I should've done five minutes ago, hell, five weeks ago, what I should have done the second we knew that Angel had his soul back. I ran up behind him, and before he even knew I was there, I staked his sorry ass into hell. He and the Hell Portal disappeared in a swirl of fire and dust. Leaving me to face a mortally wounded Buffy. She looked up at me with such pain in her eyes.

"Buffy? Buffy? Are you ok?"

"Xander? Why? How- he had his soul back, Xander!"

"I'm sorry, Buff, he opened the portal, he hurt you Buffy. There was no other way!"

And then she tried to get up, and I realized how bad the wound was. The sword had practically gone all the way through her. She could barely sit up. She fell back immediately. I caught her though, I would always catch her. For as long as she lived, which at the moment, I was hoping would be a lot longer than it was looking.

"Buffy, please, you're hurt, you need help. Now."

"Xan-"

"Buffy? Buffy? Come on, Buffy, talk to me. Come on. Yell at me, something. I killed Angel. Angel's dead! Yell, scream cry. Buffy, plese!"

"Xander?" she said as her eyes fluttered open.

"Buffy? Oh thank God. Buffy we have to get you out of here. Now."

"Xander, how could you?"

She said it so plainly and simply, I couldn't help but feel guilty and awful and well like I was going straight to hell with Angel for what I'd done, but she was alive, and at that point I didn't care.

"Buffy, come on, we've got to get you to a hospital."

"No!" she protested as I started to pick her up, "No! I don't want to go, he's gone Xander! He's gone! I don't want to- I can't. He's gone. It's too hard, Xander, it's too hard." That last bit was a muffled sob into my chest. My heart bleed to hear her express such sorrow and depression, that she was willing to give up living for- for- my blood boiled in anger because of Angel. How could he? How could he do this to her? I didn't have time though, fortunately her depression was just the opening I needed to be able to pick her up without protest. And as she slipped into unconsciousness, I really did do what she'd told me to, run like hell away from that place.

Ok, so what did you think? That was my first time ever writing a buffy fan fic. so please, read and review. I accept negative reviews as well as positive, anything to help improve the story. Oh, and tell me if you'd like more chapters, cause I would like to write them, but only if you want them. No point in writing something for an audience you haven't got.


End file.
